I have a date tonight and I am excited and nervous in equal measures.
Starting a new relationship is exciting. Learning about each other, finding out what they like and dislike how they like to be touched or held. There is an excitement in discovering that person with increased connection and intimacy. Being vulnerable and opening up to increase that connection. The joy of romancing each other, holding hands and having someone to share those moments with.
The thought of the date is getting me out of my comfort zone. I never really dated in my younger days so this is still new to me, which feels funny to say at the young age of 47. I don’t know what the rules are or what I am meant to do. Maybe that is a good thing, I just won’t give it any rules.
We have already been chatting via whatsapp, I am sure I have built up this image of the guy in my mind. Now I am scared it won’t be him! Maybe I have created in my mind, somebody that doesn’t exist. Maybe when we meet we will have nothing in common. The conversation will be boring and I will want to leave. Without meeting someone face to face, I can make up so many things about it. Even when I do meet them, face to face I still make up things to fill in all gaps that I know about them. It is something we all do.
I could stay and home and just watch another episode on Netflix and relax and chill, as the thought of driving to meet him, really fills me up with nerves. It’s not only the butterflies in the stomach feeling I feel I have a whole host of other insects having a party in there and in my chest. This energy inside me is partly related to rejection. I have a big fear of rejection. I have been working on that fear and it is times like this it rears its ugly head. I start thinking what if he doesn’t like me, what if I don’t have anything to say, what if he doesn’t want to see me again and the list could go on and on
To get me through the day I have been practicing breathing deeply and saying to myself, be myself tonight, connect with him from my heart, don’t trying to be someone you think you should be. My attraction is there when I come from my essence. When I come from the real me. Its ok if he doesn’t like me, it means we weren’t meant to be and someone else, someone better will be waiting for me.
Most of my life I have been a people pleaser, which is no surprise, as this helps curb against my rejection fear. It gives me more control, or at least I thought it did. Now I work on being a ME pleaser. I can’t please everyone, I can’t control them or what they feel. I can only control me. It has been a journey for me to become a ME pleaser. I first had to understand what pleases me. I had to give my self-permission to take the enjoyment. This was initially hard when others wanted to make me happy or have enjoyable moments. I am glad to say I have made great progress and I really embrace being a ME pleaser.
As I embark on this date tonight my intention is to be using my ME pleaser to be present in moment and really enjoy the time with no expectations from this person. I will be open for the experience and hold no judgement. I am going to be curious and come from a place of joy and love. I am going to embrace myself, my values and who I really am within my heart.